In my renewed attempt to not be such a fat fuck, I went for a run this morning. By run, I mean that I alternated between minute-long spurts of half-hearted jogging and carrying my sorry ass along as fast as my stumpy legs could manage whilst swinging my arms in a humiliating attempt at "power" walking. Obviously.
I am so embarrassingly out of shape. There were senior citizens out there, and they were KICKING MY ASS. And being chipper-as-can-be, each of them smiling and greeting me as I tried to avoid eye contact, hoping they wouldn't notice the sweating, panting hot mess of a girl blundering past them. Oh, I'm sorry, I'm just trying to decide if the burning sensation in my chest is my lungs threatening to retire or the beginnings of a heart attack, but yeah, GOOOOOD MORNINGGGG.
Fuck off, old people. Stop rubbing your vim and vigor in my face at 7 am.
5.11.2009
4.21.2009
and it's not frapp, it's frappUCCINO. assholes.
I'm just going to put this out there. If you don't like coffee and you don't like tea, DON'T FUCKING GO TO STARBUCKS, MAYBE? JESUS.
Any Starbucks beverage that doesn't have coffee or tea in it is a waste of your money. Why the fuck would you pay five dollars for a Vanilla Bean Frappuccino, when you can just go get a goddamn milkshake from Dairy Queen or some shit, and it will taste better and be WAY cheaper? I mean, ordering any Frappuccino should automatically disqualify you from life, but Strawberries & Cream? Suck a dick.
Also, don't grab a juice from the front case and then ask me to blend it. I don't really have a good reason for hating this, other than the fact that you've taken a simple drink that requires no effort and turned it into a slightly more complicated drink that requires a minimal amount of effort. I don't want to make an effort, all I want is a fucking cigarette, OK?
AND TO ALL YOU VIVANNO-DRINKING PRICKS: FUCK OFF. I HATE YOUR FACE AND WANT TO SHOVE IT IN A BLENDER THE SAME AMOUNT OF TIMES IT TAKES TO BLEND YOUR GODDAMN, PIECE OF SHIT PROTEIN SHAKE. WHICH IS A LOT. YOU SHOULD KNOW, SINCE YOU JUST STAND AT THE HAND-OFF COUNTER AND STARE AT ME WHILE YOUR DRINK BLENDS FOR THE 27TH TIME. AND THEN HAVE THE BALLS TO ASK "Ummmm, excuse me, is my drink coming?" UMMMM, EXCUSE YOU, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT THROWN IN YOUR FUCKING EYE? FOLLOWED SHORTLY THEREAFTER BY MY TINY FIST? I hate you all.
It's no wonder that anyone who has ever served me at Booster Juice has always looked like a miserable cunt.
Any Starbucks beverage that doesn't have coffee or tea in it is a waste of your money. Why the fuck would you pay five dollars for a Vanilla Bean Frappuccino, when you can just go get a goddamn milkshake from Dairy Queen or some shit, and it will taste better and be WAY cheaper? I mean, ordering any Frappuccino should automatically disqualify you from life, but Strawberries & Cream? Suck a dick.
Also, don't grab a juice from the front case and then ask me to blend it. I don't really have a good reason for hating this, other than the fact that you've taken a simple drink that requires no effort and turned it into a slightly more complicated drink that requires a minimal amount of effort. I don't want to make an effort, all I want is a fucking cigarette, OK?
AND TO ALL YOU VIVANNO-DRINKING PRICKS: FUCK OFF. I HATE YOUR FACE AND WANT TO SHOVE IT IN A BLENDER THE SAME AMOUNT OF TIMES IT TAKES TO BLEND YOUR GODDAMN, PIECE OF SHIT PROTEIN SHAKE. WHICH IS A LOT. YOU SHOULD KNOW, SINCE YOU JUST STAND AT THE HAND-OFF COUNTER AND STARE AT ME WHILE YOUR DRINK BLENDS FOR THE 27TH TIME. AND THEN HAVE THE BALLS TO ASK "Ummmm, excuse me, is my drink coming?" UMMMM, EXCUSE YOU, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT THROWN IN YOUR FUCKING EYE? FOLLOWED SHORTLY THEREAFTER BY MY TINY FIST? I hate you all.
It's no wonder that anyone who has ever served me at Booster Juice has always looked like a miserable cunt.
4.14.2009
i was not tough enough
You know what? If I am sneaky and get into your stupid fenced-off restricted zone, you should just let me fucking meet Donnie Wahlberg, okay? Like, I was so close to living out my childhood dream of jumping Donnie's bones. And then YOU, you life-ruining, 6'4, 350 pound angry black dude, have to come along and stomp on that dream with your roadie boots of oppression. Well, FUCK YOU, GINORMO. HAVE YOU NEVER HAD A DREAM?
I just wanted some face time with Donnie W. God. And by 'face' time, I mean 'climb him like a tree and stick my tongue in his mouth' time.
I just wanted some face time with Donnie W. God. And by 'face' time, I mean 'climb him like a tree and stick my tongue in his mouth' time.
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