a. If you're going to bum a smoke off of me, at least offer to buy it. I won't take your money, but I appreciate the thought.
b. Please don't tell me that you're trying to quit. It makes me feel guilty, and I don't like feeling.
c. If you're 10, don't bother asking. Even I have my limitations when it comes to morally bankrupting children.
d. If I'm sitting outside Starbucks, sucking on a smoke like an asthmatic kid with an inhaler, do yourself a favour: leave me the fuck alone.
e. Ask politely. Don't yell at me from six patio tables over so you don't have to bother getting up if I say no. Which I will.
f. Don't ask me while I'm listening to my iPod. You are disrupting my period of meditative reflection before I have to haul ass back to work. Just don't do it.
Obviously, if you're an attractive, civilized dude, you are exempt and more than welcome to mooch off me.
Showing posts with label kids today. Show all posts
Showing posts with label kids today. Show all posts
3.28.2009
3.06.2009
kids today
I know this automatically qualifies me as old, and I'm okay with that: teenagers are fucking retarded. Okay, not all of them are. My sister is fifteen, and she would never use the Starbucks patio as a place to solicit weed, or get drunk in the bathroom, or scream conversations with her friends sitting right next to her, or spit all over the sidewalk, or spill popcorn all over the floor and laugh about it instead of cleaning it the hell up. Why? Because she wasn't raised by a gang of apes, and also, I would fucking kick her fucking ass.
What's the appeal of hanging out at Starbucks with twenty of your disgusting, greasy little friends? And why do you all need so much water? Do you just want to look cool, with your trendy little cups? Well, I'm sorry to tell you, but it only counts as cool if your drink is ultra-modded and costs at least 5 bucks (if you're the kind of douche that thinks drinking Starbucks makes you look cool, anyway). And is it so hard to not tear up your straw wrappers/movie tickets/napkins and litter them all over the floor? Or not yell curse words at the top of your lungs? Or just generally act like a goddamn civilized person, rather than a baboon recently introduced to society after years of living in the wild? Is that really too much to ask?
How to not get kicked out of a Starbucks:
1. Don't be a dumb motherfucker.
That's it. You'd be surprised at how many people can't handle that.
What's the appeal of hanging out at Starbucks with twenty of your disgusting, greasy little friends? And why do you all need so much water? Do you just want to look cool, with your trendy little cups? Well, I'm sorry to tell you, but it only counts as cool if your drink is ultra-modded and costs at least 5 bucks (if you're the kind of douche that thinks drinking Starbucks makes you look cool, anyway). And is it so hard to not tear up your straw wrappers/movie tickets/napkins and litter them all over the floor? Or not yell curse words at the top of your lungs? Or just generally act like a goddamn civilized person, rather than a baboon recently introduced to society after years of living in the wild? Is that really too much to ask?
How to not get kicked out of a Starbucks:
1. Don't be a dumb motherfucker.
That's it. You'd be surprised at how many people can't handle that.
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