My grandmother is actually the most annoying person in the world. You might think she's cute, because she's tiny and Scottish and seems to be in such high spirits all the time, so living with her must be an absolute pleasure. Rest assured, you are wrong. I'm pretty sure she is secretly a witch who feeds off the irritation and self-esteem of young women. It's what keeps her so bouncy.
I was minding my business, reading my book this morning when she pounced on me out of nowhere. She stopped to look at me, concern etched on her weathered, old face, and I knew what was coming. I knew, because she asks me the same fucking thing every other day of my life and it makes me want to push her down some stairs or something.
"You look tired. Are you tired?"
This is, honestly, one of the rudest, most passive-aggressive questions you could ever be asked. Regardless of whether you happen to be tired or not, it is perfectly clear that the enquirer, while appearing to merely be expressing concern for your well-being, only wants to make you aware of the fact that you look like a hot mess.
What's even worse is that I'm almost never actually tired when she asks me, and I tell her this. Her response is always "Oh, okay" and looking even more concerned, like she doubts my truthfulness. Which to me, translates to "Really? Then why in God's name could you very easily pass as an extra from Shaun of the Dead?"
Sometimes, I just thank her for letting me know how haggard I look, and she goes off in a wee huff and doesn't talk to me for a while. Guess what, Grandma? Your silence is like a little slice of heaven, actually, not a punishment at all. So, suck on that.
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